December 6 / November 22, 2017
Let's just say this: the ratings would be unprecedented.
The stuff dreams are made of - especially in the entertainment industry - except these guys would LOSE money because of them.
This is our dream. Our Two Weeks Ago News dream.
No trials.
No jail cells.
Financial compensation, yes, but read on for exactly how we think that should go. What follows is our dream scenario for the “walk of shame,” designed specifically for the many thousands of men who have been or soon will be revealed to be scumbags who disguised themselves as respectable, admirable and successful in the eyes of the general public but were nothing of the kind in real life. Here we go:
Fact: These men seem to crave attention. Let’s give it to them.
Fact: Many of them gravitate toward the spotlight; whether they are in front of a camera, behind one, or standing on a stage (in Washington or in a comedy club.) Let’s give them one.
Location: A morning broadcast news show – one seen coast to coast, available over the air so anyone, anywhere who can pick up a signal can watch it. No basic cable shows, no premium cable shows allowed. We’re talking network morning news show, and possibly also the network nightly news broadcasts. We like the morning show option since two of the miscreants emerged from there: Rose and Lauer.
Set: A simple wooden stool, not unlike a bar stool you might find in a stripper bar that hasn't met health code standards in six-and-a-half years, placed in the corner of the set, with a broken spotlight –one that is dim and barely working - directed toward it.
Audio: NO microphone affixed to the man on the stool. He can't be heard.
Wardrobe: A bathrobe - not unlike one that might be rejected by a homeless man; a homeless man who has just emerged from spending the last several weeks in an abandoned subway tunnel, following a violent bout of diarrhea plus a stomach virus, perhaps with the deteriorating, crumbling corpse of a rat dangling off the ripped hem. In other words, the wardrobe department has provided a POS for a POS.
Showtime!
7 am: Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. “SHAME.” Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. “SHAME.”
Our scumbag of the day, wearing the above-mentioned bathrobe, emerges onto the set, and takes his seat on the stool just as the show’s introduction ends and the co-hosts say hello and launch the program. He will appear every day, perched on that stool all week long. TWAN envisions the following:
Co-host #1: To camera: ‘‘Good morning and welcome! Hope everyone had a good night and is ready for this wonderful day!”
Dismissively, with almost no inflection or interest, over her shoulder to scumbag: “Hello, scumbag! How you doin’? Anything to say to the viewers this morning?” Without waiting for an answer… “Our first story this morning….”
The show continues and every once in a while, the hosts turn to the scumbag, dismissively address him, and then continue with their program.
After the first hour, one of the hosts announces the time has come to award the first “official title” to the guest scumbag, something they will do every hour on the hour, every day, all week long. (Prior to the first appearance, women all over the planet will have entered a contest to give the scumbag a title and have that winning title hung around his neck in a hand-lettered, crooked, smeared and wholly un-glamourous sign, written on a sheet of paper that someone from the props department found on the floor of a Port Authority men’s room. (Runner-up names can be flashing along the bottom of the screen as the winning title sign gets hung around his neck.)
TWAN offers this outline to the hosts and guests for consideration:
Co-host #1: “Well, it looks like the time has come to give our guest his first title of the day.”
[Turns to scumbag]: “Ready for this? Well, we don’t really care if you are because we guarantee you none of your victims were ready for what you did to them, either.”
Co-host #2 [To camera]: “The first winning title of the day was submitted by Melanie from Indiana. Melanie calls him ‘Vile Predator and REVOLTING Loser.’ [applause sound effect] We like it!”
[to scumbag]: “How about you? That work for you?” [TWAN Reminder: Because he is not miked, his answer will be unintelligible, as all his answers should be because they are nonsense and worthless.]
Co-host #1 [to camera]: “We'd like to introduce Arturo, one of the people who lost his job because of our scumbag in the bathrobe. Arturo did NOTHING wrong. But he lost his job anyway because of what this “Vile Predator and REVOLTING Loser” did. Not fair, we know.”
[to Arturo]: “Arturo – step right in, here. There you go - that's it - hang that sign right there...Yeah!” (Arturo drops sign over scumbag’s head.) [rimshot]
Co-host #2 [to camera] “And we'd like everyone to meet Melanie, the winner of our contest. Congratulations! Tell us, Melanie – how did you come up with the winning title?”
Melanie: “Well, I wish I could tell you it was a challenge! But I read the stories. Then I looked at him. And I thought about all those women who had to deal with his repulsive behavior and the unbelievable ego that must drive this person...then I thought: What else COULD he possibly be but a Vile Predator and REVOLTING Loser?” [applause and wildly enthusiastic crowd cheering sound effect.]
Co-host #1: “Right you are, Melanie. And now our favorite part of the ceremony: Melanie will be accepting a personal check for $1,000,000 to the charity of her choice, hopefully one that our Vile Predator and REVOLTING Loser himself finds objectionable. But hey – that would just be a bonus, folks!”
Melanie accepts check and the bells rings again, but this time it’s cheerful and a winning bell sound: Dingdingdingdingdingding!!!! [applause and cheering sound effect; confetti and balloons fill the studio; small brass band marches through the studio, plays "This Is My Fight Song."]
This same scenario – winning title announced / sign hung around his neck / two people approach the scumbag / hang the sign and accept the check - continues every hour, every day for one week. Every Monday, the next scumbag puts on the bathrobe, sits on the stool, gets his set of titles for the week and hands over five million dollars. Or more; final figures TBD.
Yeah. That’ll do it. Everyone wins.
Well, the guy on the stool might not think so but then again, he gets attention and he gets to wear a bathrobe again, this time on national television!
So yeah, everybody wins.
Let's just say this: the ratings would be unprecedented.
The stuff dreams are made of - especially in the entertainment industry - except these guys would LOSE money because of them.
This is our dream. Our Two Weeks Ago News dream.
No trials.
No jail cells.
Financial compensation, yes, but read on for exactly how we think that should go. What follows is our dream scenario for the “walk of shame,” designed specifically for the many thousands of men who have been or soon will be revealed to be scumbags who disguised themselves as respectable, admirable and successful in the eyes of the general public but were nothing of the kind in real life. Here we go:
Fact: These men seem to crave attention. Let’s give it to them.
Fact: Many of them gravitate toward the spotlight; whether they are in front of a camera, behind one, or standing on a stage (in Washington or in a comedy club.) Let’s give them one.
Location: A morning broadcast news show – one seen coast to coast, available over the air so anyone, anywhere who can pick up a signal can watch it. No basic cable shows, no premium cable shows allowed. We’re talking network morning news show, and possibly also the network nightly news broadcasts. We like the morning show option since two of the miscreants emerged from there: Rose and Lauer.
Set: A simple wooden stool, not unlike a bar stool you might find in a stripper bar that hasn't met health code standards in six-and-a-half years, placed in the corner of the set, with a broken spotlight –one that is dim and barely working - directed toward it.
Audio: NO microphone affixed to the man on the stool. He can't be heard.
Wardrobe: A bathrobe - not unlike one that might be rejected by a homeless man; a homeless man who has just emerged from spending the last several weeks in an abandoned subway tunnel, following a violent bout of diarrhea plus a stomach virus, perhaps with the deteriorating, crumbling corpse of a rat dangling off the ripped hem. In other words, the wardrobe department has provided a POS for a POS.
Showtime!
7 am: Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. “SHAME.” Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. “SHAME.”
Our scumbag of the day, wearing the above-mentioned bathrobe, emerges onto the set, and takes his seat on the stool just as the show’s introduction ends and the co-hosts say hello and launch the program. He will appear every day, perched on that stool all week long. TWAN envisions the following:
Co-host #1: To camera: ‘‘Good morning and welcome! Hope everyone had a good night and is ready for this wonderful day!”
Dismissively, with almost no inflection or interest, over her shoulder to scumbag: “Hello, scumbag! How you doin’? Anything to say to the viewers this morning?” Without waiting for an answer… “Our first story this morning….”
The show continues and every once in a while, the hosts turn to the scumbag, dismissively address him, and then continue with their program.
After the first hour, one of the hosts announces the time has come to award the first “official title” to the guest scumbag, something they will do every hour on the hour, every day, all week long. (Prior to the first appearance, women all over the planet will have entered a contest to give the scumbag a title and have that winning title hung around his neck in a hand-lettered, crooked, smeared and wholly un-glamourous sign, written on a sheet of paper that someone from the props department found on the floor of a Port Authority men’s room. (Runner-up names can be flashing along the bottom of the screen as the winning title sign gets hung around his neck.)
TWAN offers this outline to the hosts and guests for consideration:
Co-host #1: “Well, it looks like the time has come to give our guest his first title of the day.”
[Turns to scumbag]: “Ready for this? Well, we don’t really care if you are because we guarantee you none of your victims were ready for what you did to them, either.”
Co-host #2 [To camera]: “The first winning title of the day was submitted by Melanie from Indiana. Melanie calls him ‘Vile Predator and REVOLTING Loser.’ [applause sound effect] We like it!”
[to scumbag]: “How about you? That work for you?” [TWAN Reminder: Because he is not miked, his answer will be unintelligible, as all his answers should be because they are nonsense and worthless.]
Co-host #1 [to camera]: “We'd like to introduce Arturo, one of the people who lost his job because of our scumbag in the bathrobe. Arturo did NOTHING wrong. But he lost his job anyway because of what this “Vile Predator and REVOLTING Loser” did. Not fair, we know.”
[to Arturo]: “Arturo – step right in, here. There you go - that's it - hang that sign right there...Yeah!” (Arturo drops sign over scumbag’s head.) [rimshot]
Co-host #2 [to camera] “And we'd like everyone to meet Melanie, the winner of our contest. Congratulations! Tell us, Melanie – how did you come up with the winning title?”
Melanie: “Well, I wish I could tell you it was a challenge! But I read the stories. Then I looked at him. And I thought about all those women who had to deal with his repulsive behavior and the unbelievable ego that must drive this person...then I thought: What else COULD he possibly be but a Vile Predator and REVOLTING Loser?” [applause and wildly enthusiastic crowd cheering sound effect.]
Co-host #1: “Right you are, Melanie. And now our favorite part of the ceremony: Melanie will be accepting a personal check for $1,000,000 to the charity of her choice, hopefully one that our Vile Predator and REVOLTING Loser himself finds objectionable. But hey – that would just be a bonus, folks!”
Melanie accepts check and the bells rings again, but this time it’s cheerful and a winning bell sound: Dingdingdingdingdingding!!!! [applause and cheering sound effect; confetti and balloons fill the studio; small brass band marches through the studio, plays "This Is My Fight Song."]
This same scenario – winning title announced / sign hung around his neck / two people approach the scumbag / hang the sign and accept the check - continues every hour, every day for one week. Every Monday, the next scumbag puts on the bathrobe, sits on the stool, gets his set of titles for the week and hands over five million dollars. Or more; final figures TBD.
Yeah. That’ll do it. Everyone wins.
Well, the guy on the stool might not think so but then again, he gets attention and he gets to wear a bathrobe again, this time on national television!
So yeah, everybody wins.